tummy aches and heart breaks

more than i could ever be, less than ever

2009-10-20T08:07:16Z

going to put my earphones in. close my eyes. put on a pretty song. pretend i'm someplace else in time.
i have a terrible habit of looking too far forward. in jr high, i was concerned with high school. in high school, with college. in college with a career. in a career, concerned about getting married. i wish i could just concern myself with current surroundings. my imagination is too amazing i suppose. i will do my best to relax. focus on the task at hand.
by the by, i never ever thought school was a challenge until i graduated and am now back in a class. this shit is hard.
i wish i could give mochi a cell phone so i could text her and see what's going on with her.
our landlord gave my bike away. it was behind the building and she told some guy to just "take all this junk away"
you better believe i ripped into her.
its what i do.
in an attempt to realign my chi and get my karma under control i would like to type out loud that i will make a very real effort to just let whatever grudge i'm holding against layla go. because i have been nothing but merciless to her and i cut her zero slack. so this is me trying to let go whatever it is that's bothering me and just re... lax....
my poor little patient died the other day. i prefer for my patients not to die. its usually the opposite of my goal. she needed surgery to save her life and she was too unstable to go to surgery. that is all she wrote. her poor little heart just gave out. very sad for her family.
Ottis and I sat down and watched the first episode of six feet under. i really really want to get through that series. im in the process of making a very real attempt at doing it.
i want a garden
and a puppy.
i would ruin a garden :( and possibly a puppy :(

Strippin’ away the layers and reveal your soul
Got to give yourself up and then you become whole
You're a slave to yourself and you don't even know
You want to live the fast life but your brain moves slow
If you're trying to stay high, bound to stay low
You want God but you can't deflate your ego
If you're already there then there's nowhere to go
If you're cup's already full then its bound to overflow
If you're drowning in the water's and you can't stay afloat

probably wont' do the studying that i should probably do...

-folding chair-

2009-09-24T23:30:01Z

Come and open up your folding chair next to me
My feet are buried in the sand and there’s a breeze
There’s a shadow, you can’t see my eyes
And the sea is just a wetter version of the skies

Let’s get a silver bullet trailer and have a baby boy
I’ll safety-pin his clothes all cool and you’ll grafitti up his toys
I’ve got a perfect body, though sometimes I forget
I’ve got a perfect body cause my eyelashes catch my sweat
Yes, they do, they do…

Now i’ve been sitting on this abandoned beach for years
Waiting for the salty water to cover up my ears
But every time the tide come in to take me home
I get scared, and I’m sitting here alone
Dreaming of the dolphin song…

Maybe one day you will understand
I don’t want nothing from you but to sweetly hold your hand
Till that day just please don’t be so down
Don’t make frowns, you silly clown

Just come and open up your folding chair next to me
My feet are buried in the sand and there’s a breeze
There’s a shadow, you can’t see my eyes
And the waves are just a frothier version of the skies

There’s a shadow, you can’t see my eyes…

diets make me full of crazy

2009-09-19T09:53:33Z

I don't know about anyone else here, but I'm obsessed with food. I'm always thinking about what I want to eat next. I could be full and still sitting at the table after eating and be thinking about what's next. its really terrible. so imagine my misery when I decided it was time to give the weight loss train a jump start and then my obsession intensifies.
if its any consellation I weighed myself today and am back to 172.2 ... only 2 pounds to goal weight number one. fuck its hard.
pinback nov 14
ddr tournament for ottis nov 7
sequoia oct 9
chicago oct 21
very good.

not the best I can be

2009-08-18T08:47:46Z

I am often discouraged and frustrated when I can't be my best to everyone that I want to be the best for. I was feeling run down from my week and was supposed to attend a baby shower this weekend. Ottis and I were all dressed and went to go buy a gift and I just thought, gosh I am just so drained I don't see how I can enjoy myself at this thing. so I tell this to Ottis and being the easy going character that he is, does not argue. so we go home, watch a movie and fall asleep on the couch and then go have dinner with chris and layla. I neglected to do Stef the courtesy of letting her know we would not be making it. no amount of words can describe my guilt. she asked me today what happened and I realized I had no good excuse and all I could do is apologize. I feel like such an ass.
what can I do? I should call her and tell her to let me have it. I think we would both feel better. I hope :l
I feel so weird about some people who put so much info on their facebook updates.
saw time travelers wife and district 9 this weekend. neither is for everyone but I do reccomend both.
just saw a scion commercial 'be the original, not the copy, become one of us'. someone is contradictory.
forgot I have all this stuff I wanted to look up online. ill get right on that.

those summer nights....

2009-08-14T06:36:37Z

the good news is I'm falling back in love with exercising. we were estranged for a short time but now we are back and kicking strong. the bad news is I weighed myself after 2 weeks and gained another 2 pounds. hoping to lose a solid 10-15 by the end of the year.
I fell back in love with the beach, took probably 2 or 3 summers off for reasons unknown to man.
getting bored with 'the tipping point' it started off quite strong and now its blah. going to read divine secrets of the yaya sisterhood with layla and mel next :)
school starts next week. on the waiting list. dumb. seems like everyone has school woes though.
my patient tonight is a sad case of bad lungs whose been rejected by 3 different facilities for a transplant. it makes all the difference for this poor sweet lady. my prayers are with her.
life is short. and unpredictable. follow your heart but listen to your head.
goodnight neverland

missed it

2009-08-02T03:30:07Z

yesterday was 5 year birthday for livejournal.
happy five year birthday livejournal!
here is a picture:

last night and today have been very relaxing. i have done exactly what i have wanted to do: a whole lot of sitting around the apartment. the rest of my night will consist of watching tv and finishing the tipping point. after that i want to read divine secrets of the ya-ya sisterhood.
starting school in 2 weeks how exciting is (not) that?
:D

jesus, etc

2009-08-01T09:33:49Z

DO NOT SEE FUNNY PEOPLE.
i'm not even upset about the money lost, just the three hours of my life i'll never get back

Jesus, don't cry
You can rely on me, honey
You can combine anything you want
I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
tuned to chords
Strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

Don't cry
You can rely on me honey
You can come by any time you want
I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun

Tall buildings shake
Voices escape singing sad sad songs
tuned to chords
Strung down your cheeks
Bitter melodies turning your orbit around

Voices whine
Skyscrapers are scraping together
Your voice is smoking
Last cigarettes are all you can get
Turning your orbit around

warning: lots of complaining.

2009-08-01T00:17:26Z

on the perpetual verge of a melt down today.
the root?
i have not had enough restorative time.
tonight and tomorrow: i will restore.
we have been watching survivor all stars on dvd. i could not care less about it. out of all the ones i have watched so far i think the most interesting one from beginning to end has been borneo, the first season. pearl islands started out SO GOOD like awesome good and i couldn't believe how terribly it ended.
i want to go see funny people tonight.
i also kind of want one of those dell minis. in red.
one time my mom asked me what a cougar was. i told her. then i told her if she ever needs to know something like that to look it up on urbandictionary.
business shower: An intimate shower taken between 2 persons solely for the purpose of saving time, completely devoid of any sexual connotation.
i like that.
today i paid the expediting fee to be holding my official transcript ASAP so as to take it over to the city college so i can prove i am indeed competent enough to take statistics.
city college does not do business on fridays.
a girl ran in front of my car today for the sole intention of saving a parking spot. parking is not so important to me. though i did weigh the option of just muscling her out of it.
i also told chris today that he has been acting like he does not want to live here. like he wants to be free of his obligation here and he assures me, no i love our place. i will be here more. this he assures me. perhaps melanie would like to live here with chris and i. we can make it work. jack can be here too.
a girl can dream, neh?
i am also frustrated that i have not figured out how to make my facebook main page only show the updates of those that i want to see updates from. ive already missed some from those i love because of other people and all their nonsense. arggh.
ok i think i'm finished complaining.
for now.

distract me.

2009-07-28T20:36:08Z

woke up on the wrong side of the crouton today.
i hate that.
four day weekend has come to a close and i am staring the face of returning to work. though i think i got off kind of easy because i only work two days this week. that is unless, someone can work for me the 8th then i will be working whenever they dictate. which is better than working on the 8th.
it makes sense to me.
i went on a about a 15 minute tyraid this morning about chris and layla. they are both headed the right way for smart bottoms as a fella might say.
i just want to lie in bed and watch a bill murray movie.
friday- OC fair with Ottis, Matt, Chris and Layla.
you don't even want to know all the kinds of food we ate. i dont even want to think about it. it was awesome.
saturday- shopping and lunch with mom. family dinner= winner winner chicken dinner! drinks music and hot tub with Melita
sunday- beach day! i almost died. ive never seen the waves so violent. the tide was quite high so boogie boarding was impossible. i got knocked over. twice.
BBQ with Tadd Tzlil Chris and Layla and Suki- tadd and tzlils new puppy shes a boxer. she is so cute. she also wants to eat my cat.
monday- i played probably about 7-8 hours of dynasty warriors 6 empires. i wish i was still playing. its addicting.
i still need to get myself squared away to start school this semester. whoops.

we're all fugitives.

on fridays I weigh myself

2009-07-25T06:06:45Z

2 pound weight gain in one week. I knew the german pancake challenge was going to bite me in the rear.
a new week commences!

y'all ready for this

2009-07-23T17:28:04Z

TOMORROW: 4 day weekend COMMENCE. HUZZAH

winner winner chicken dinner

2009-07-22T00:58:58Z

wipeout HD is a fun game

I also recommend Little Big Planet

and i helped my boyfriend expand his empire and unite china. that was fun

too bad i have to work tonight. i'd rather do anything else.
i'd rather clean my apartment.
i'd rather hang out with my grandparents.
i'd rather swim in a public pool.
i'd rather go dig through trash cans and pull out recyclables.
i would also rather go spend all the money i have on new clothes and go to the beach in the morning.
yeah i like that.

world at large

2009-07-17T23:00:51Z

day of news that is good:
ottis' backpack recovered with everything in it.
my back is no longer hurting- I feel more myself
work tonight then saturday and sunday off

i have deciphered that part of the reason i've been feeling in a slump is i am definitely understimulated. i suppose school starting in august isn't the worst thing ever after all. :)

i've been keeping track of my weight
week 1: 190.2
2: 188
3: 186.4
4: 186.2
5: 185.7
6: 185
7: 187
8: 187
9: 185.1
10: 185.2
11: 185.7
12: 185.4
13: 184.4
14: 185
15: 184.3
16: 186.3
17: 183.8 (two week)
18: 180.8 (three week)
19: 180.1
20: 179.3
21: 179.1
22: 178
23: 178.8
24: 177.8
25: 177.7
26: 177.2
27: 177.5
28: 177.1
29: 175.3
30: 175.9
31: 175
32: 172.7
33: 171.3
34: 173.7
35: 173.1
36: 175.1
37: 173.8
38: 174.3
39: 172.9
40: 172.9
41: 173.5
42: 173.3
43: 172.1

Goal weight #1 is 171.2 I almost hit it back in april but had a small relapse. 172.1 is from today so i have just under one pound to get there.
I've lost a total of 18.1 pounds.

if i had eyes in the back of my head i would have told you that you looked good as i walked away.

for Ilana

2009-07-17T22:43:50Z

tearing in my heart

2009-07-15T22:09:55Z

OOOOOWWWWWUUUUUCCCHHH
my lower back is in pain and i don't know if its soreness from working out (shouldn't be) or if i injured it at work (more likely of the two options)
i claim no discomfort while still but moving around is quite the nuisance.
i have worked 5 of the last 7 nights and i got called on my two nights off to work overtime. we are short. we have 3 nurses on leave and three patients with swine flu and 4 people on mandatory leave for flu symptoms. 3 of them have swine flu. just cause its not in the news doesn't mean its gone ppl.
i am burned out.
my laundry is still a gigantic monster in the closet. i just ignore it like the elephant in the room. the clean clothes are still abound so why mess with those dirty ones, eh?
missed going to see harry potter at midnight last night :( that is one of my favorite things to do. we will go today or this weekend.
www.pandora.com and last.fm are great. i can't decide which one i like more. last.fm has more features to play with but pandora gives me an easier time. i use it more. i also like aol radio but they have a lot of commercials. i should get satellite in my car. if there were a way to get internet radio in my car i think i'd be sold.
i want to get moving on doing those shelves for the living room. chris took the wood to his dads house hoping his dad would help us sand and he has not. i have to no retrieve the wood and take it to ed and kellie for help. chris is sometimes kind of a dead weight in my eyes. he doesn't lift a finger around the apartment he just kinda shows up whenever and monopolizes the living room (not that i use it that much) and his girlfriend has finished my bread twice, my cereal and soy milk and something else i'm sure i cared about. ughhh. i asked him to look after mochi while i was away and i came home and she had more poop and pee than litter in the litter box and she was so neurotic i didn't even really know what to do with her. she is more herself now. but anyhow, that is neither here or there.
i love love love my hair. i'm never ever going back to long hair. ever.

hot hot heat

2009-07-12T23:19:16Z

very very hungry.
ottis lost his backpack with his psp and ds and accessories. he is beyond sad.
i feel bad for him but it is just material goods. they can be replaced.
work work work. my patient has no legs.
this heat is not my friend since we have no way to condition our air.
bleh

revived!

2009-07-10T18:26:04Z

i hereby claim livejournal back in action. if nothing else to give my Melanie something to amuse herself with :)
at the very least it is fun to reminisce that we used to pass notes back and forth and eventually a letter book in the form of a fairy journal with a makeshift lock because we didn't want anyone reading our "secrets" which is quite amusing now that i look back on it because now i feel like an exponentially more open person. i have found that having to tell someone that their mom, dad, wife, husband, son, daughter, friend or somehow or another a loved one is going to die has changed my perception. they are not going to get better. they are not going to talk to you again. when i once found it impossible to tell a boy i liked him or that i thought someone was doing something extraordinary (good or bad) i now find that to be a cake walk.
its all relative, neh?
worked out yesterday and today with Eddie. it was very, very intense i am soooo sore. i'll have to put my progress up so we can all gawk at the numbers. i'll get on that.
alright, mochi and i have some TV to watch because its off to work for the weekend.
by the way, laundry is for suckers and by far my least favorite chore. i don't even care that i'm going to be wearing mismatched scrubs for the next three nights. i'm crazy like that.

by the way. chris thought pterodactyl was pronounced teradacto. god love him.

.c.a.t.h.a.r.s.i.s.

2009-05-22T23:56:18Z

why do the same things that feel so comfortable turn into those which feel old and worn out? that which we have felt at home with turns into old news, yesterday's trash.
maybe its the way the stars are aligned. maybe its the heat. maybe its the staying up all night half the week. but i am feeling misplaced. misinterpreted. enraged. enthralled. overwhelmed and under stimulated.
time is my enemy. time is unimportant. food is my bigger enemy.
my muscles are tired. it feels good to sweat.
vegas was quite possibly the most miserable trip in years. i couldn't wait to get away. then i found out that i was better off staying home. most likely.
c'est la vi.
happy summer vacation los estuidantes. felicidades.
soy off on tuesday.
ha.

the promise

2009-05-07T05:32:44Z

If you need a friend,
don't look to a stranger,
You know in the end,
I'll always be there.

And when you're in doubt,
and when you're in danger,
Take a look all around,
and I'll be there.

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you I will.

When your day is through,
and so is your temper,
You know what to do,
I'm gonna always be there.

Sometimes if I shout,
it's not what's intended.
These words just come out,
with no gripe to bear.

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you...

try and be cool

2009-02-08T10:36:39Z

birthday lunch with the balogh-shademan-guthrie trifecta where my parents will break the proverbial bread with new bf.
interesting.
work.work.work.

COACHELLA!!!

Oh, Eight! Oh, Nine!

2009-01-03T10:21:13Z

and before you know it, its the end of the year.
ummm, how did this happen? where did 2009 come from?
in 2008 i:
passed my nursing license exam
got the strangest/cutest cat ever, mochi
saw pinback with a good friend
went to coachella with my best friends
spent time with my dad in vegas
said goodbye to one of my oldest friends
had my heart broken by my mother
broke a friends heart
met a wonderful person named Anita
met a lot of wonderful people who work in the ICU
saw several people meet their maker
cried each time
had the time of my life in rosarito
sang 'that thing' by lauryn hill on karaoke
had a different kind of time of my life in sequoia
met a wonderful man named Ottis
said the fuck word way too many times
did not eat near enough ice cream
became a grown ass man
laughed until i cried
drank until i puked
learned a whole new part of myself
gave myself completely to others and felt amazing about it

in 2009:
its hard to say.
hopefully that list gets longer and more awesome.
and hell, thats just the fuckin shit i can remember.

can't we give love one more chance

2008-12-05T18:29:30Z

i watched four hours of the biggest loser yesterday whilst waiting for chris and layla to vamoos so we could go to amoeba. nothing happened. instead we went to the elephant bar and i was copping attitude with everyone. except my garlic bread.
tonight i go back to work after an 8 night hiatus. i should probably get some more sleep.
my cousin and his wife are having a baby later this month. that is a good thing. they will be superb parental units.
it kind of makes me want to try my hand at being a parental unit. but not like.. now.
anywho.i hope everyones thanksgiving was stellar.
christmas in 20 flippin days.
by the way, i've been out of school one year now. feels good. i get a little nervous about going back because i am pretty happy and dont want that to change. but i think it will be worth the work. i hope.
breathtaking doesn't even begin to describe sequoia.

the color of her eyes were the color of insanity

2008-11-12T10:59:29Z

JOSE!!!- i looked for you last night i was at mcclains. i did not see you.

we are blessed to live in such a time. everything is right at our fingertips. artists, musicians and filmakers are just as brilliant as they once were. i think there is even a respectable pick of authors at our disposal. we have the advantage of looking to the past and learning the valuable insights of those who have preceeded us- though i can name several people that i would have love to be a live during the same time as but thats all moot isnt it? not to mention the amount of originality still outflowing from the talent around us. my favorites being chuck palahnuik, john stewart, pinback, radiohead, tool, gabriel garcia marquez, henry rollins and some who have just recently passed away- kurt vonnegut, hunter s. thompson and of course george carlin, the man himself.
living in the LA area we have a myriad of entertainment at our disposal- everything from coastal hiking to indie bands at a dive bar and the best mexican food north of... mexico. endless famous clubs that bands got their big break at and millions of nerd conventions every year... not to mention street scene and coachella.... but thats just my opinion... i could be wrong
heck... what was my point anyhow?
well at any rate... sequoia was pretty much the best trip ever and i cant wait to go again... wait i must ...

Lester Burnham: I figured you guys might be able to give me some pointers. I need to shape up. Fast.
Jim Olmeyer: Are you just looking to lose weight, or do you want increased strength and flexibility as well?
Lester Burnham: I want to look good naked!

so long, and thanks for all the fish

2008-10-31T01:06:19Z

Just wait a sodding minute! You want a question that goes with the answer for 42? Well, how about what's six times seven? Or how many Vogons does it take to change a lightbulb? Here's one! How many roads must a man walk down?

Fine. Fine, take it. Because my head is filled with questions and I can assure you no answer to any one of them has ever brought me one iota of happiness. Except for one. The one. The only question I've ever wanted an answer to - is she the one? The answer bloody well isn't forty-two, it's yes. Undoubtedly, unequivocally, unabashadly yes. And for one week, one week in my sad little blip of an existence, it made me happy.

long beach is clean

2008-09-29T23:20:25Z

compared to rosarito.
the pool, the sun, good friends, good food, good drinks, beautiful people, the ocean and a gorgeous wedding.
kick ass weekend my friends. kick ass.